ClubPenguinHelper funny thread!

[ClubPenguinHelper]

Blonde jokes:
1:
Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida. As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying “Disney World Left!” After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said “Oh well!” and started driving back home. ...
2:
A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, “I won a motor home! I won a motor home!” The waitress ...
3:
Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie’s lamp. After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, The Genie said, “I will grant three wishes, one for each of you.” The first said, “I wish I were smarter.” So, she became a redhead. The second blonde said, “I wish ...
4:
A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again. She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: “You must be expecting ...
5:
A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, “I’ve kidnapped you.” ...
6:
There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was so mad that she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her ...
7:
A blonde was telling her priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, “Don’t you know I’m Polish?” “Oh, I’m sorry,” the blonde apologizes, “do you want me to start over and talk slower?” ...
8:
Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice? Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the “Vacant” sign up? Did you hear about the blonde who was an M.D.–Mentally Deficient? Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper ...
9:
A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, “go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them.” A red head said, “O.K., what’s the capital of Wyoming?” The blonde replied, “Oh, that’s easy, ‘W’.” ...
10:
A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice. When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the ...
chuck norris jokes:
A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is “Charles”. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his *** twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false – no one could survive it the first time.

A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay’s potato chips, saying “Betcha can’t eat just one!” Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.

A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history’s most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.

A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.

A roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer

According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

According to the Encyclopedia Britannica, the Native American “Trail of Tears” has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.

After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.

After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said “of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?”

Aliens do exist. They’re just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.

All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.

Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Archeologists in India recently uncovered a new dinosaur. It’s actually many dinosaurs but one is in the middle of all the others. The one in the middle is believed to have killed the others with a single roundhouse kick to the face. The archeologists wanted to call it ChuckNorrisaurs but the Indian government changed the name to Himotosaurous because it’s simply not possible for Mr. Norris to be killed.

Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined “victim” as “one who has encountered Chuck Norris”

As an infant, Chuck Norris’ parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.

As President Roosevelt said: “We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris.”

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Before sliced bread, people used to say “That’s the greatest thing since Chuck Norris”. But Chuck Norris was displeased by this. So he roundhouse kicked a loaf of bread into slices.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

Brokeback Mountain is not the name of a movie, it is the pile of dead ninjas in Chuck Norris’ backyard

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris

Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

Chuck Noris believes it’s not butter.

Chuck Noris can rhyme orange and purple… with each other!

Chuck Noris has already been to Mars. That’s why there are no signs of life there.

Chuck Noris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

Chuck Noris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.


Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.

Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

Chuck Norris beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.

Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.
. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.

Chuck Norris favorite cereal is Kellogg’s Nails ‘N’ Gravel.

Chuck Norris figured out a way to make his dink 10 inches long. He folded it in half.

Chuck Norris’ first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT’s, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer

Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.

Chuck Norris hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.

Chuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg.

Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.

Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.

Chuck Norris has held the World Championship in every weight class at the same time.

Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as “acts of God.”

Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris has never looked a baby in the eyes cause it might him cry but if he does it also makes him want to punch a baby.

Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting… because he’s not acting.

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.

Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ***, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It’s called Chuck-Will-Kill.

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken’s famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.

Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.

Chuck Norris once shat blood – the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower.

Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is “his” way.

Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.

Chuck Norris once went back in time to fight Chuck Norris. He won.

Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”

Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows – A swift roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.

Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren’t before his first space expedition.

Chuck Norris pulse is measured on the richter scale.

Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.

Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis’ Career.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don’t really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.

Chuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards.

Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

Chuck Norris wears Orion’s Belt around his pinky toe and he eats with the Big Dipper.

Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Chuck Norris wipes his *** with chain mail and sandpaper.

Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ***-kicking.

Chuck Norris favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.

Chuck Norris hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.



Every time someone uses the word “intense”, Chuck Norris always replies “you know what else is intense?” followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.

Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.

Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.

Faster than a speeding bullet … more powerful than a locomotive … able to leap tall buildings in a single bound… yes, these are some of Chuck Norris’s warm-up exercises.

Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in “I hope I don’t get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris.”

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.

For Chuck Norris, every street is “one way”. HIS WAY.

For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more “Missing in Action” sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.
For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

For Spring Break ’05, Chuck Norris drove to Madagascar, riding a chariot pulled by two electric eels.

For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.

Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his *** and take it.

God said “Let there be light”, Chuck Noris said “Say please”.

God wanted to create the world in 10 days. Chuck Norris gave him 6.

Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris’ first visit to Tokyo.

Google won’t search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don’t find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for “Chuck Norris’ basement”.

Guns don’t kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

Guns kill 12 people a day. chuck noris kills 20.

He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.

He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies.

Hellen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris.

How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? …All of it.

Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

‘Icy-Hot’ is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.

If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.

If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.

If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris’ misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.

If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he’ll beat it into you.

If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he’d kick your ***.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds ’til.” After you ask, “Two seconds ’til what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

If you gave Chuck Norris a typewriter and 0.000000000000000000001th of a second he can write the Complete Works of Shakespeare

If you Google search “Chuck Norris getting his *** kicked” you will generate zero results. It just doesn’t happen.

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

If you rearrange the letters in “Chuck Norris”, they also spell “Crush Rock In”. The words “with his fists” are understood.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.

If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?

If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don’t ask him for his three-hole-punch.

If you’re driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn’t the other way around.

If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he’d win. Period.

In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization “Kick Drugs Out of America”. If the organization’s name were “Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America”, there wouldn’t be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere.

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.

In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.

In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.

In Desert Storm the reason why the Iraqi army surrendered so quickly because they knew Chuck Norris was coming.

In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald’s in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.

In the beginning there was nothing…then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said “Get a job”. That is the story of the universe.

In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn’t chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.

In the medical community, death is referred to as “Chuck Norris Disease”

In the movie “The Matrix”, Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green “falling code” scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.

In the Words of Julius Caesar, “Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris”. Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Chuck Norris.

In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.

Industrial logging isn’t the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.

Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.

It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That’s true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.

It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

It is said that looking into Chuck Norris’ eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody’s future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.

It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.

it only takes chuck Norris 1 lick to get to the center of a tootsie pop

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

It’s widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris’ stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris’ skin.

Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer’s arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.

James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris’ ***. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through dry land.

July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? i think not.

Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn’t kill women.

Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.

Let the Bodies Hit the Floor was originally written as Chuck Norris’ theme song.

Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.

Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it.

Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther’s womb.

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.

MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.

MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.

Maslow’s theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.

Most boots are made for walkin’. Chuck Norris’ boots ain’t that merciful.

Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him “a promising Rookie”.

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72… and they’re all poisonous.

Most people know that Descarte said, “I think, therefore I am.” What most people don’t know is that that quote continues, “…afraid of Chuck Norris.”

Most people put their pants on one leg at a time, Chuck Norris does both legs at once.

Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.

Movie trivia: The movie “Invasion U.S.A.” is, in fact, a documentary.

Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool’s head off.

Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
Newton’s Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.

No matter what your mother always said, Chuck Norris can tune a fish.

Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.

Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.

Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.

Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.

Occam’s Razor says that the simplest answer tends to be the correct one. Norris’ Razor involves a flick of the wrist and a Columbian Necktie.

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

On the SAT if you put Chuck Norris for every answer you will score over 8000

On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

On Valentine’s Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine’s Day.

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Noris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.

One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.

One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.

Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.

Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.

Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.

People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris…Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.

People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? They simply reply…Chuck Norris


Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he’s roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.